gloomy

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First day

It would’ve been easier for me to back down, just like the last time. The stakes are high and the sooner I prolong it, the closer I get to the brink of death. The only difference is that, this time, I’ve decided to finally face it. Not because I want to, but because the universe conspire for us to meet… again.

He really made a good impression with his mere conceitedness (and credentials, apparently). His mouth drew out words of nothing but self-appraisal and mastery of everything you wish you knew. And soon as he sits upon his throne, you can only wish for an unwavering bravery even if it’s just a so-so act. Because weakness has no room for him – a curse for someone who can easily be faltered by words and criticisms, which is unfortunately me.

These are the times when I wish I was braver as Arya Stark or smarter as Hermione. But I can only wish but never be.

Kodaline blues

Kodaline is going to Manila and I don’t know what’s more heart-shattering news than that. Yes, I was hoping for it (God knows I am) but I wish it wasn’t this early; not when I still don’t have my own money to gratify all of my whims.

Like bruh, hindi pa nga ako nakaka move-on sa Paramore at The Script!

Now that they are in line for Wanderland Festival next year, for sure more people would know them and their music. And I kind of hate it..

Do you know the feeling when you want to keep something good just for yourself, that you don’t want people to find out about it? I was always like that. I am selfish of something that I grew to love. But then again, I know I can’t be possessive of something I do not own. Eventually, they’ll be big and all I can do is be more proud.

They were my best kept secret for three years now.. and this is really frustrating, I want to see them so bad. Imagine seeing the whole band on the center stage, serenading you L I V E. And you’ll think it’s a dream when it’s not. You’ve been waiting your whole life for this and finally.. Steve Garrigan himself, singing the songs which used to be your lullaby.

Oh, I could only imagine..

Dear future partner, I hope you listen to Kodaline (and Sleeping At Last). #para-paraan

 

Please charge me guilty

For killing time relentlessly

For every words I promised but never did,

Every chances I’ve risked but took for granted.

How many times it has been

That I may not be lis’ning

Your words are my remedy

I would never forget.

Now after this mishap

This wishful thinking –

Come back to me again,

I beg

– L.A

 

 

Bad Genius-movie-kind-of-night.

One spontaneous date night with one of my best friends in high school got me thinking how time has a funny way of making us realize that all the things we’ve been worrying about were just passing through, and soon will be just a memory. But isn’t it wondrous how a remnant of the past makes you remember that old self you were trying to get rid of? Because I find it ridiculous, somehow. I realize that no matter how far I ran away from the things that makes me want to forget how stupid and selfish of a person I was, there will always be someone or something which will make me remember.

Anyway, guess what happened later that night? Mama was calling me for several times and I had to patch up an excuse because neither of us wants to go home just yet. And the result? Naabutan ako ng curfew sa subdivision!

Yeah, not so genius at all.

Redemption

It was past 9 pm and I’m just glad that KFC’s not crowded than what it has always been during weekdays.

In front of me was a man, probably on his late 20’s, all dressed-up with a guitar strapped on his back. I’m guessing he was also from the last service I just attended to in Victory; a musician perhaps.

The queue didn’t took so long, but it took him a minute (or so) to decide, until he looked behind and told me “sige, ikaw na muna”, looking embarrassed as he went to the side. (Hey I forgot to say my thanks!!!!)

I was staring at him the whole time I was waiting for my food to be served on my seat. And there he was, still so undecided, still standing at the back of the lane.

And it dawned to me…

Everyday we make life choices – from the food to eat, transport vehicle to ride on, people to talk to, clothes to wear, letter to encircle on test papers, relationships to commit and break… even living is a choice.

We are surrounded with multiple alternatives which gets us confused and uncertain of preferences to make. It is a natural tendency of human tho, to be indecisive. You see, we won’t ever be a hundred percent sure of everything in this world, but God was so sure about us.

“Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye should go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain: that whatsoever ye shall ask of the Father in my name, he may give it you.” (John 15:16)

Today, I choose to rise from the pit I’ve created myself. I choose not to be stucked from the bubble of regrets and pessimism that’s all in my mind. I choose to live my life, with Him at the center of it.

From this day forth, I choose to forgive myself and believe that everyday is a chance to start anew.

I stood up after having my take-home-food served on me. For the last time, I glanced at the man who’s still on queue. I hope he can finally make up his choices too.

Cold hands, tongue-tied

Body of dead with a beating heart, surrounded with hung clothes from the window sill. The streets were unusually quiet and the temperature’s down to 20. Sarah McLachlan’s songs were on repeat, tormenting me relentlessly. It goes with –

“It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

We are screaming inside but we can’t be heard.”

I glanced at the mirror behind me, looking like an actual mess straight from laundry. My mind’s hay-wired with thoughts again, I can’t control.

I wonder if it goes like this forever, and I’ll just end up getting used to it. Will the beasts stay inside us, or we just have to wait until they got tired and found another haven?

I can still hear Sarah’s voice in the background, with a melody slow and bewitching –

“Don’t let your life pass you by,

weep not for the memories.”