I have a secret. When I was 18, I received an email from a scouting agency, confirming my audition for a model search. Thrilled as I was, I dyed my hair and went home just to find the only pair of heels that I have in my entire life (which I haven’t used, even once). Nobody knows about it; not even my Mama whom I tell entirely everything of what’s going on in my life. I felt so ecstatic about the whole thing that I’ve decided not to tell them until I’ve made it for real.
And so the day of the audition came. I chickened out.
Now that I thought about it, that’s not the first time that I’ve let an opportunity pass. My crippling anxiety has got me tied up in its own hands, only to be freed on the deep sea of reverie. The scary thing is, it happens to me every single time. That’s why when Vy of Asia’s Next Top Model told the viewers to watch out for the upcoming “new” version of herself, I felt that. Because that’s what we’ve always wanted in our lives – for people to see us more than what we were in the past, and to make them believe that we are actually in the process of self-development when the truth is we’re not.
The truth is we are all a loathing, self-deprived individual, whose failures are hiding beneath the heavy mask of hypocrisy. And the more we try to conceal it, the harder it becomes for us to recognize our own selves. And before we know it, we’ve lost it.