Soliloquy

OOTD: Cloak of Obscurity

I have a secret. When I was 18, I received an email from a scouting agency, confirming my audition for a model search. Thrilled as I was, I dyed my hair and went home just to find the only pair of heels that I have in my entire life (which I haven’t used, even once). Nobody knows about it; not even my Mama whom I tell entirely everything of what’s going on in my life. I felt so ecstatic about the whole thing that I’ve decided not to tell them until I’ve made it for real.

And so the day of the audition came. I chickened out.

Now that I thought about it, that’s not the first time that I’ve let an opportunity pass. My crippling anxiety has got me tied up in its own hands, only to be freed on the deep sea of reverie. The scary thing is, it happens to me every single time. That’s why when Vy of Asia’s Next Top Model told the viewers to watch out for the upcoming “new” version of herself, I felt that. Because that’s what we’ve always wanted in our lives – for people to see us more than what we were in the past, and to make them believe that we are actually in the process of self-development when the truth is we’re not.

The truth is we are all a loathing, self-deprived individual, whose failures are hiding beneath the heavy mask of hypocrisy. And the more we try to conceal it, the harder it becomes for us to recognize our own selves. And before we know it, we’ve lost it.

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Soliloquy

First day

It would’ve been easier for me to back down, just like the last time. The stakes are high and the sooner I prolong it, the closer I get to the brink of death. The only difference is that, this time, I’ve decided to finally face it. Not because I want to, but because the universe conspire for us to meet… again.

He really made a good impression with his mere conceitedness (and credentials, apparently). His mouth drew out words of nothing but self-appraisal and mastery of everything you wish you knew. And soon as he sits upon his throne, you can only wish for an unwavering bravery even if it’s just a so-so act. Because weakness has no room for him – a curse for someone who can easily be faltered by words and criticisms, which is unfortunately me.

These are the times when I wish I was braver as Arya Stark or smarter as Hermione. But I can only wish but never be.

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Soliloquy

Kodaline blues

Kodaline is going to Manila and I don’t know what’s more heart-shattering news than that. Yes, I was hoping for it  but I wish it wasn’t this early; not when I still don’t have my own money to gratify all of my whims. Like bruh, hindi pa nga ako nakaka move-on sa Paramore at The Script!

Now that they are in line for Wanderland Festival next year, for sure more people would know them and their music. And I kind of hate it..

Do you know the feeling when you want to keep something good just for yourself, that you don’t want people to find out about it? I was always like that. I am selfish of something that I grew to love. But then again, I know I can’t be possessive of something I do not own. Eventually, they’ll be big and all I can do is be more proud.

Dear future partner, I hope you listen to Kodaline (and Sleeping At Last). #para-paraan

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Mails

Delinquent

Please charge me guilty

For killing time relentlessly

For every words I promised but never did,

Every chances I’ve risked but took for granted.

How many times it has been

That I may not be lis’ning

Your words are my remedy

I would never forget.

Now after this mishap

This wishful thinking –

Come back to me again,

I beg

– L.A

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