I was having a casual conversation with an acquaintance when she called me out and told me I was dangerous.
The lights were already switched on, lighting the whole area of pavilion, that I can vividly see how her eyes fixated on me, trying to get a hold of how I would’ve reacted but to no avail. I munched my chips still, holding my phone in one hand, trying to compose a message I would never send. In between glances, I finally told her I’m not.
And for a moment, I thought, we are all terrified for something we can never understand. We spend our time figuring what ought to be and what would have been.
I stared at the students passing by, making their way out of school, straight to gate 3. I stood up and urge my companion to go home. I find no use of wholly opening up to someone I barely even know.
Or that’s what I really am, all this time. My walls were too high for someone to climb upon. Trusting someone is a gamble; it would take a life for me to risk.
12 midnight after all has been dead asleep
The town starts snoring while her heart weeps
Talking to the moon with blood-shot eyes
I love him still, she realized
I think it all boils down to one point – we can’t recognize what we feel and we can’t voice it out without having the fear of judgment.
This whole idea of depression isn’t something that is easily accepted and understood in the society. People would call it as something vague and shallow or just an excuse of a person going through it.
That is why we keep it to ourselves, trying to comprehend the life we can’t understand. We feel useless and not worthy of all the love given to us that we ended up pushing people away. The chaos and war inside our mind was too loud, all we could do was scream in silence.
And it was excruciating – to find your place in this world when you can’t even know where you belong. Until then, we give up and let our inner demons eat us alive.
G A M E – O V E R
This was the only escape I know right at the moment so I beg your pardon.